This is the second time I’m writing this post, because the first version got lost.
Today, I accidently started reading one of my old diaries from the times I was with my first boyfriend and came to the realisation that I get the same oh-no-that-wasn’t-me-was-I feeling whenever I read my blog. I started it in 2011 and I think I just grew out of it. Plus, I want to improve my English skills by not just watching movies, series, and youtube channels but actually actively using it. In advance, I apologise for the mistakes I am going to make.
I always feel like starting a diary is a chance to change. And I always feel obligated to write my biography… again. I’m addicted to summerizing my life because there is nobody out there to listen me. I mean, I have really good friends, of course. And I tried to talk about my problems with them. However, they cannot really give me good advice, they can’t be unbiased and not judgemental, they can’t listen to me without crying, and they can’t offer real shelter because they have their own lives with their own problems. That’s perfectly understandable.
So I have no one. I mean that’s not true. Whenever I have time to be depressed, I hug my cat and my dog, hold them in my lap, talk to them and somehow that helps me. What does it say about me that the closest beings in my life are my pets? That I only get love from them. No human being even knows me enough to love me. If it’s possible.
Ok, so I decided that this time, instead of examining the past, I’m going to look into the future.
I have a very clear view of my career: I’m a 3rd year medical student, so most likely I’m gonna be a doctor. I want to help women to give birth to their babies in safety and peace. I would especially like to help those moms who wouldn’t have a chance without me – those who live in poverty, war zones, etc. I can see myself join “Doctors Without Borders”. How altruistic that might sound. But the truth is I can’t see myself being a happy wife in a big house with my kids.
God, I can’t even develop a decent relationship. I can’t open up to anyone (except the ones I really shouldn’t), I hate dating but one night stands are also not for me. What I currently need is a friends-with-benefits type of relationship, but even with that, I am picky. Clearly, I am damaged and I should fix myself. If it’s possible.
I want to help others because there is no way to help me.
This attitude should change for good. Right now, I’m too tired to find out how, so I might as well go to sleep.
xoxo, Gossip girl