I have been absent for almost a year, and I know I should constantly be writing, however either I was too busy, or I was too happy… or I was too busy being happy. However now I feel like I need to write about some things.
Being in a serious relationship can be so hard. In the beginning, it was really easy, I couldn’t believe my luck. I fell in love deeply. And to my absolute surprise, he felt the same. What I am sure about that this didn’t change. However there are some things that changed, and I know that they are not the end of the world, more like the signs of… finding out that I might want to spend my life with him. Still, I feel shitty and terrified about these feelings. No one ever talks about this, but I have to hope that I’m not the only one feeling like this. Apologies if I’m not consinsent in the next blocks.
First of all, I know it’s natural that after almost a year, we found out there are some features in each other that we don’t particularly like. There are some things that he doesn’t do in a way I want it to be done and vice versa. The problem is I feel like I don’t need to change (although I know I should in some aspects), but I want him to (for example, be less competitive).
I don’t really know why but in these last few months, I kinda lost my hardly built-up self confidence. It’s not really anything he said or did, he always compliments me, and he is really proud of me, and I know he loves me. However, I don’t feel very beautiful, for example. My style is changing, I basically have nothing to wear, and no money for the things I need to buy. This discrepance destroys me. I know this sounds superficial, but I want to feel feminine, and wear skirts, however everything I own is too short for this evolved granny style I have now. That’s just one thing.
Exam period means that I’m in my PJs all day – this was no problem for me before. But being in a relationship means that I want him to find me pretty – he never said he expects me to, however I want to be attractive for me..for him. Understand?
Another thing is that I feel like I don’t provide my best in university. I’m not doing research, I don’t teach – so I cannot apply for basically any scholarship, any internship abroad. I want to go though, and I want to do reasearch, but right now I feel like I’m too late to the party.
And another thing, that makes me feel less valuable… money. He has a degree and a decent paying job, and me? I’m not gonna have anything for at least 2 years. I’m basically struggling every month (even if it’s not proper struggling, because I live with my mother so of course I have something to eat, but you know… when you want to buy a belt for about a year, it’s kind of stressful). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t envy his money, and I would never let him buy me anything that I couldn’t buy him. He can buy everything he desires, and me? I’m just dreaming of this adult feeling. Yes, it does hurt me that I’m almost 23 years old and still depend on my parents’ money.
Another thing that frustrates me is my future. Now, it’s more likely that I’m actually going to be a doctor. One of my senior, almost-doctor friends wrote something about the university. They test us. Our short-term memory, our cognitive functions, our logical thinking, everything. What they don’t test is our personality, whether we are going to be a good doctor. I don’t want to be a bad or usual doctor. I want to be good. But… am I strong enough? Can I handle the stress that comes with it? Am I empathetic enough? Will I burn out? I want to know the answers to these questions.
This has been haunting me for about 4 years… WHERE will I be a doctor? In Hungary for no money with the prospect of that constant struggling I was earlier talking about? Or should I go abroad trying to estabilish a life somewhere else? Can I love any other city as much as Budapest to call it my home? Or should I be altruistic and move to the countryside where doctors are truly needed? Another last question: WHEN should I have children? Straight after uni, in 2 years (the automatic answer is hell no, but when you think about it, it’s not such a crazy idea), or when I do have an actual career but I don’t have a single ovum left? Okay, I know that there are more options, but I feel like there’s no perfect solution to this problem.
That’s it for today, folks, I actually feel better now that I wrote these down.